Using watercolors - been a long time... my younger son also painted a line and blurred 1 and 0 :D


In hospital on my ward my superior SF is asking me about some accessories we ordered for some artificial circulation system, high tech heart support. They are very expensive.
I don't recall ordering, and I feel like interrogated, but I get over my fear and somehow give the talk a different spin, saying we seemingly needed these parts to fit with the system of the patient, and how economic and administrative developments play an ever larger role in how we can or can't treat a patient.

While talking, we walk out the ward, out of the building, and stroll the large ground of our hospital, passing older and newer buildings and construction sites. My discussion partner changed, he is now some really high rank superior, feels like being from the board of hospital, CEO or something. It is now like he is honestly asking for my opinion, nevertheless.

I'm a bit surprised with my answer: "Aren't we a hospital supplying maximum care? Why should we transfer a patient somewhere else, when we have all the means? And if we don't have the exact system needed for the patient, we can always adapt our own systems."
Sneeringly my partner answers: "Yes, maximum care provider..."
I feel the frustration coming with these words. He means we have to use our resources for all of the patients. We must take them all - while specialised private hospitals (like for cardiac surgery) pick out those who promise the highest profit, while we as a public hospital have a hard time creating a positive cash flow.

The while we are passing a seemingly endless line of patients streaming through the gate. One especially catches my attention, isn't it my sister? Not on the second look. Hair too dark, and she lies on the ground besides her child resting in a baby buggy. She tries to grab my ankle, or just waves. I look at her in passing, for a moment our eyes meet, and I know our mission is to care for her and the baby, too. We can't leave them alone.
(The dream continues, next entry)

Well, at first I thought this is about hospital only. And how I become a leader, or how leaders are asking my advice.
But it is also about the heart of caring in a crazy, greed driven world. And it is about how I know I can't stop caring for my wife and kid(s), though at times it just seems impossible to care for everyone.
I know we can do it, we are resourceful, we are creative. We don't need to be perfect, we can find solutions. It is like getting in the position of leading, or advising the leaders is awaking resilient powers inside of me.


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